Sunday, March 21, 2010

I wasn't going to say this, but I just need a place to vent.

I'm upset. Very upset. Why?

Because my wrist.... is most likely fractured, sprained, or my muscle is pulled. I don't know what happened to it, but I know it's most likely not good. All my friends and teachers said it's swollen and I have to check it out, because it could be pretty bad. At first, I just ignored it and thought it was a natural hand sore that you get after practicing a lot. I thought, "big deal. It'll go away soon." But the exact opposite happened. I hate complaining, but my wrist has been killing me for over a week now (since last friday or so) and it all happened from period 3. I'm not going to explain how it all happened because it'll take too long, but all I'm going to say is my wrist has gotten worse... and its bothering me in a lot of ways.

I can cope with this pain. Big Deal. So why exactly am I upset?

Because I can't really practice now, and I have a piano state competition this MAY. I have so many things to prepare for in May.

I'm either doomed, or lucky to be rehearsing in the next 2 weeks.

I feel empty, and like a robot without my hands. I realized my hands are the only thing that allow me to do the things I want - violin, piano. and now that it's temporarily useless, I'm nothing without it. I can't do the things I want, I can't practice, and I have nothing to do in my life. I try to practice but my wrist hurts, and I try to lead the orchestra in 6th period and play.... but now I have to sit out and file music in the office. And what makes it worse is that I have to start preparing for my Bellevue Youth Symphony violin audition and there's probably a youth group Easter orchestra performance at church that I have prepare for as well. Even more worse? I was so excited to have a Rosamunde Quartet Reunion this may, because we planned to play for someone's wedding, but if my wrist doesn't heal until then, I won't be able to even DO THAT! and logan gets out of school in may. THEN we have an orchestra concert field trip to Idaho AND an orchestra contest in may as well. HOW am I going to do all this if my wrist is like this? it feels as if the things I once loved and worked hard for are slowly losing from my grip.

Let me vent: I know to many, I may sound like an immature, babbling teenager that's exaggerating about a wrist, but I'm taking this situation very seriously because my wrist is basically what I use to help me do the things I need to do. You wouldn't be able to fully understand less you were in my shoes. The situation I'm in is horrible. it's one of the worst feelings ever. I'm feeling nervous and anxious. I feel like I'm not on steady ground, being in unpredicted danger. now I'm starting understand a little on how athletes/musicians feel when they get into serious accidents and lose a part of their body, not being able to compete/play as they used to. As I was looking back on my old blog posts, I came across a blog on my love for music and reading it made me really sad. I used to love music and I still do, but now, I'm not able to exactly play and do the things I want with it. But this post made me realize that no matter what happens, I will never quit on music because it's consumes so much of my life.

What's more frustrating is that I can move my wrist and hand, but I can't twist it and I can't put a lot of pressure onto it, or else it'll start throbbing and hurting like crazy. From the outside, my wrist looks absolutely fine, at least in my eyes. After a few days of icing, the swelling toned down too. I hate how I can move my wrist and do simple things, but not fully play the pieces I'm working on. I can play certain parts of the pieces I'm working on but when it comes to the heavily technical and powerful/forte parts, I hit a wrong key or mess up because my wrist eventually can't endure the pain. I have to be extremely careful when I play now. Last week, my wrist very swollen and all red, but after icing it a couple times... it got better. But today, when I tried practicing and preparing for my lesson, it got worse. So I canceled my piano lesson today and I have to make it up.

I'm really starting to worry. there is nothing else but practice to music, or any kind of competition. How am I going to improve? I'm just praying that things will get better. Please, pray for me. I need to get up and about, get back to being productive. It feels so miserable and lonely without having anything to occupy myself. It's not like I'm used to sitting on the couch watching TV, or going on facebook or myspace on the computer. I haven't gone on my home computer for a long time. I only go on once a month if I remember to. Sadly, it doesn't even feel normal for me to talk on the phone with friends everyday for long periods of time. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sad, and it's eating me up because I'm just shoving it all inside. There's no one in this school that really understands the loss I'm feeling right now. I could only be able to tell a few people, and they've already graduated. You know, I feel so bored. I feel so lonely and just blank. I feel empty and just useless around the house. Sigh. Lately, I've been going through a lot of negativity and thinking for the past months. And this new problem is only building up the pile of stress. The only thing I can probably do without much pain is play in jazz band, because I don't do much in zero hour and the music isn't technical enough for my hands throb. But I wonder if Mrs. Cate will allow me to even play any instrument because of my wrist. So, she might even talk to Mr. Roller for me to not play, but I don't know. We'll see. I still got to do what I can do. I don't want pity and second chances from everyone because of this.

But regardless of my pain... I'm not giving up. I've come this far and it's a waste to just complain about my stupid wrist. I don't care what the doctors or teachers say. I'm practicing. and I'm not shortening my hours of practice in any way. I'm going to practice at least 3 hours like normal days, because I'm not allowing myself to compromise or lower any expectations. If my wrist hurts, I'll just take a little break between playing.

Reading this post made me realize how much of a negative and talkative person I've become. I've already complained so much in one blog. what a burden this is to people - just forget what I wrote in this. I need to fix this lowlife mind-set. I need to stop worrying, and start spending that time on planning what I can do to use my time wisely. I'm going to be more positive, because really... what can you do? You're either going to sit and do nothing, or go forward and make change. It's all or nothing. Nothing can stop me from being stronger, I will practice. My wrist is actually kind of making me stronger now that I think of it, as I'm expressing myself here. But hopefully, it's just a sprain.

God, please. Heal me soon.