Friday, June 10, 2011

Can for one moment,

people just stop?

I feel like the people that I once held close to my heart, just decided to mistrust me in holding my values and views because they simply heard a few words from another person, or witnessed one of the rare times I actually let out my feelings and show my weaknesses and the worst of me.

Just because I am nice, doesn't mean I won't have feelings the next time you just pass by me and give me that cold stare. Just because I easily forgive and say "It's okay", doesn't give you the right to continue taking advantage of me. Just because I don't say anything about the times you've hurt or done wrong to me, doesn't mean I've forgotten about them and moved on in life if you haven't confessed or admitted your mistakes.

I remember everything. Every exact detail within every single moment I share with the people I grew up in high school. I think about them and reflect on them as well.

People get the idea that I'm always nice and polite, when really, that's just called being tolerant and willing to let go of things that aren't worth the trouble or stress.

The people that have hurt me or have done wrong to me in a ways that have made them feel even the slightest guilt, know what they have done. And more often than not, they may think they can get away with it because eventually, somewhere in my supposedly deep, deep, kind, and understanding heart, I've already forgiven them and simply understood.

I wish people would just get to know me more before all assumptions. Even the people I poured my heart out to, helped, reached out, respected, and trusted, have turned their backs against me. They may not think they have "turned their backs", but if they were good enough people to actually think about all the times they needed me there for them, to listen to them, or to simply have a nice conversation with and keep company with, they would not have made the same mistake to underestimate me as a human being with feelings.

To the people who no longer view me the same way, to the people who have biased judgements against, to the people who neglect and take/took advantage of me, to the people who simply stopped liking and talking to me for no reason when we used to be so much closer or at least honest with each other, to the people who overlooked the fact that I am first and foremost a human being that is sensitive yet strong enough to tolerate and bottle her emotions,

I hope one day you have the courage to be faithful and honest to the people you hurt and tell them upfront, rather than silencing your thoughts and feeding them with negative rumors and opinions. I hope you realize that the nice, unthought-out words you say should be nothing but from the honest heart. Not only is it the bad that remembered, but the good as well. If what you say years later still reflects who you are and the way you treat others, then people will treat you with more respect because they know that at one point, you were sincere with them. I hope you never forget that often times, the silent ones that are kind, patient, and willing to help the ones that suffer and are in need of help, are the ones that are hurting the most. I hope you keep in mind that everyone has a sense of what's behind that forced smile you gave while passing in the hallways, the forced jokes, or the supposedly unintentional rude remark you gave.

It's time for some people to step out of their own comfort zone and stop focusing on their own emotions, problems, and misery.

Monday, June 6, 2011

To Be Honest,

I'm sick of all this.

I'm sick of IB.

The truth is, people who are in core and RS will most likely go to the same college as the IB diploma kids. A lot of us weren't educated about the game and how college admissions work. UW is no longer a "back-up" school for a lot of us. It's actually going to be a challenge. NYU or Oxford can be a reach-high school, but in the end, just another rejection.

I know I shouldn't be saying this and generalizing this for all the IB diploma kids, but I'm just stating what normally happens every year at our school.

I'm just in an extremely cynical, stressful, angry, resentful, and overall, negative mood. This is a pre-letter of what I would write after this school year would be over:

The only thing I'm happy about this year is getting away from a place full of IB crap, the same people I lived, breathed, complained, and practically stayed up all night with, and the teachers who gave us an endless, unmerciful amount of work. As I leave, all I can say is, eff you guys. I only remember being happy a couple times this year, and the rest of the 180 days was a never ending cycle of work, work, work, and a robotic routine. Up until this year, I was fine with that and I was willing to devote my life to all work. But now that I think about, I've realized life isn't going to magically get better and neither will I be "living the life" after college. I'll still be working my whole life. In fact, I'll have to work even harder than now. I've got to enjoy the present and what I have now. I'm still a kid. Heck, I'm a human being.

Everyone was right. I stress out way too much and sometimes, I put it on myself. Here's the word of the day: chill.

I just need to learn how to chill. I have a MILLON things to do tonight and I have approximately 6 hours to do it all, but you know what? Eff it. I'll just do what's due tomorrow, calm down, and do things that are due the next day. Live for today, and for tomorrow, live for tomorrow.

I'm not letting a stupid program take away everything from me. IB, I'm finished with you in one year and after that, I'm done. I hate you, with everything I have in me.