Tuesday, March 30, 2010

train of thoughts

1. listening to Hey, Soul Sister by Train. (love them. I also love the Kollaboration version of it.)
2. I got home 20 some minutes ago (10:20 ish), from the National Honor Society Senior Prom Community Service Event. I loved it. It was so sweet, beautiful, and warmed my heart. I haven't felt so warm in a while.
3. I'm done with my nhs hours, finally.
4. Alison Baluca: You're such a sweet, funny, and uplifting person. You have so much passion and care for everything you work so hard. You pour your heart and soul into the things you work for and want so badly. I know encouraging words seem to fade away after the heavy weight starts to crush you and make you feel hopeless, but don't let yourself fall for that. Think of the honest words that specific people tell you, when you ask for help. Be strong, and stronger every time. And to do that, you have to do something very hard - whole-heartedly accept the situation, and look at the bright side, and have confidence in yourself. No matter how hopeless, lost, confused, angry, impatient, and sad you feel, remember... it's all on you. You can be happy in any situation. You just got to be stronger, and pull yourself together to look on the bright side of things. You can do it. I know next year is going to be very, very different for you - in a lot of good ways. This year might have been rough, but looking back, you're going to learn so much from it all and help others who were in the same situation as you. Alison, don't ever give up. You have so much hunger to do good, and all that work you've been doing will pay off. hard work always amounts to something, and we just go to be patiently waiting for it, and continue working. You're going to be amazing. You have such a sweet heart. You'll get to places. You're going to get out of this stressful cycle, and believe me when you do, you'll be so amazing. You have so much potential. So much yearning to do good, and that's what's going to get you where you want! People deserve to know how hard of a worker you are. So to those who read this blog, just keep in mind how hard this girl works. She's very meticulous, and careful on everything. She deserves a lot.
5. The Jackson Five is an amazing band.
6. I like positive, uplifting people. Doesn't everyone? Makes you laugh, when they're around.
6. I'm starting to have more patience with Fisher. You know, she's human and we have to understand that she has good intentions too.
7. Today was so much fun - thanks to the amazing senior prom event. I felt all warm and fuzzy. I laughed and talked so much. Great bonding moments, with strangers, and distant friends. I love Cheryl, she has such an innocent, pure heart. I have a lot of respect for her, especially in this generation of teenagers.
8. Christmas songs make me feel so happy, yet mellow and sad. it's like a sad, romantic ballad almost. Aren't Christmas songs supposed to make you feel happy and all jolly? well, some of Jackson Five's Christmas songs are addicting for me. Don't know why.
9. What's so hilarious: 5th period cwi today. HAHA, i'm sorry but I literally LOL'd there. My Group (option 1) consumed the whole period, because so many people had questions to ask us. To be honest, I'm just doing my job to support and back up my option, but it's too simple of a position to the point where there are so many opposing arguments that can be made. Demolishing terrorism and using immediate force.... i mean, personally, (with no feelings attached to my position), I would have NOT agreed. I totally understand the opposing groups, but what's required for a project, is what's required. I'm just doing my job, and it wasn't the easy thing to do, but oh well. Mock Trial did help a lot though. What a use, finally. I appreciated Jashanpreet's involvement within the presentation. I was surprised. I guess all that pushing and (yelling) at him did pay off.... haha. But, Jashan shouldn't have said unecessary details just to reply or make people laugh. Oh well, what's done is done. Now I'm just curious about my individual part. and, I want to add - people are disrespectful. when someone is up to present, it's not nice to scoff and look down on others when they worked hard to support something that they don't whole-heartedly agree with. I wasn't planning to go easy on other groups from the beginning anyways. Let's see what's in store for all of us then, shall we?
10. God bless you all.

Off to do homework, and again another late night. See you all tomorrow.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sweet talk and understanding isn't always what's best.

A side of me most people haven't seen is my impatient, abrasive, and demanding side. when it comes to being serious, it's about dealing the with my priorities, the things i love to do, or things that are most important to me.

when it comes to those things, i'm serious. and i don't "do emotion" and i get competitive when i need to. i'm not always the understanding, patient, sweet talker.

in life, there are many times where you have collaborate, join, and work with people. and out all people, when people like these teammates get in the way of the things i'm trying to accomplish, i have no choice but to simply cold-heartedly push them. i have no tolerance or patience to deal with excuses, lies, repetitive exaggerations, and stretched explanations. i don't care about the problem. give me the solution.

i'm sorry but i don't have pity on people. if you want me to treat you equally, so be it. i will, and i give you my word on that. i don't have pity or extra understanding on your situation, and why is that? because you want me to treat you equally, as i do for everyone else. you are no hospital patient, so get the job done.

if the people i work with get in the way of my life, they won't be standing there too long. i'll make them run up hills, mountains, and tortuous roads so that way they don't have to be the same, lazy old bum next time. i really don't like wasting my time trying to get people to cooperate and settle down but i guess every team that wants to be successul has to go through such things at the beginning. I'd rather use my time get my work done with people. it's not rocket science. it's called being responsible. and obviously for some, that's very hard.

I don't care if people don't like the work I give them. I don't care if they're stressed out by a little homework they're supposed to do. I could care less about their excuses. you know why? Because they're not the only ones. I'm human, and I go through tough times too. I have struggles and hard times, but I don't waste time complaining and telling everyone about my problems? No. and why is that? Because face it, 10 years from now, those people aren't going to remember your problems after marriage, after children, and an occupation. They won't have the time to take care of you or even care about you, but their family. Some might even stray away or try to get closer to you based on the car you drive, the house you buy, and your income. if you're poor and homeless, some of them won't even take the time to get to reconnect with you and they'll ignore you. People just move on and change, because you're bound to go forward. And that's cruel I know but guess what, things like that happen. And why? Because that's life. Crazy things happen, anything goes. The world wasn't meant to be cruel, but weird just things happen because of careless people.

Oh, I'm sorry for hurting people's feelings for being a robot, but sometimes, you just gotta deal with knowing how to focus and work hard. If that's a difficulty for some, then that's definitely a concern. When it comes to dealing with people that are not as cooperative, i have responsibility over them as well. so either you're under my rules, or you're out. in this case, it's not easier said. instead, it's as simple to do as i say it.

ENOUGH of the lies and fake words saying you're better than what you've presented, that you usually aren't like this, or that you've been going through a lot of things - the fact that you're way more capable of greater things. If you know you can do better, than show me. prove it to me. sometimes, actions prove more than words. I don't trust easily, and that means I can cut people off easily as well. If you don't do your part or show me, I'll do what I've got to do.

when you're in a group with me and i'm in charge, if i'm honest with you... you're either going hate me or love me. if you can deal with my early deadlines, long daily emails with a dozen highlights, lecturing and snapping, then you'll understand my good intentions for the whole team. otherwise, if you're just complaining and hating on me, good for you. there's no way you're going to get anywhere in life, or deal with the real world.. where bosses are far worse.

For certain things, i can be patient. but if you push my buttons, you'll get something you won't expect. i'm not saying i'm some brat that has evil pranks in mind to pull on people. i'm saying, you're going to realize how you made your teammates and me suffer, the hard, painful way. and that's going to be through me. people don't expect me to confront them, but when it gets unbearable, I have no trouble saying everything on my mind.

Lazy people need to be under immense training, or they need to get lost. they are given opportunities, but they toss them out the window.

you know what i learned? lazy people are ungrateful. that's what they are.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I wasn't going to say this, but I just need a place to vent.

I'm upset. Very upset. Why?

Because my wrist.... is most likely fractured, sprained, or my muscle is pulled. I don't know what happened to it, but I know it's most likely not good. All my friends and teachers said it's swollen and I have to check it out, because it could be pretty bad. At first, I just ignored it and thought it was a natural hand sore that you get after practicing a lot. I thought, "big deal. It'll go away soon." But the exact opposite happened. I hate complaining, but my wrist has been killing me for over a week now (since last friday or so) and it all happened from period 3. I'm not going to explain how it all happened because it'll take too long, but all I'm going to say is my wrist has gotten worse... and its bothering me in a lot of ways.

I can cope with this pain. Big Deal. So why exactly am I upset?

Because I can't really practice now, and I have a piano state competition this MAY. I have so many things to prepare for in May.

I'm either doomed, or lucky to be rehearsing in the next 2 weeks.

I feel empty, and like a robot without my hands. I realized my hands are the only thing that allow me to do the things I want - violin, piano. and now that it's temporarily useless, I'm nothing without it. I can't do the things I want, I can't practice, and I have nothing to do in my life. I try to practice but my wrist hurts, and I try to lead the orchestra in 6th period and play.... but now I have to sit out and file music in the office. And what makes it worse is that I have to start preparing for my Bellevue Youth Symphony violin audition and there's probably a youth group Easter orchestra performance at church that I have prepare for as well. Even more worse? I was so excited to have a Rosamunde Quartet Reunion this may, because we planned to play for someone's wedding, but if my wrist doesn't heal until then, I won't be able to even DO THAT! and logan gets out of school in may. THEN we have an orchestra concert field trip to Idaho AND an orchestra contest in may as well. HOW am I going to do all this if my wrist is like this? it feels as if the things I once loved and worked hard for are slowly losing from my grip.

Let me vent: I know to many, I may sound like an immature, babbling teenager that's exaggerating about a wrist, but I'm taking this situation very seriously because my wrist is basically what I use to help me do the things I need to do. You wouldn't be able to fully understand less you were in my shoes. The situation I'm in is horrible. it's one of the worst feelings ever. I'm feeling nervous and anxious. I feel like I'm not on steady ground, being in unpredicted danger. now I'm starting understand a little on how athletes/musicians feel when they get into serious accidents and lose a part of their body, not being able to compete/play as they used to. As I was looking back on my old blog posts, I came across a blog on my love for music and reading it made me really sad. I used to love music and I still do, but now, I'm not able to exactly play and do the things I want with it. http://yangkid.blogspot.com/2008/12/beauty-of-music.html But this post made me realize that no matter what happens, I will never quit on music because it's consumes so much of my life.

What's more frustrating is that I can move my wrist and hand, but I can't twist it and I can't put a lot of pressure onto it, or else it'll start throbbing and hurting like crazy. From the outside, my wrist looks absolutely fine, at least in my eyes. After a few days of icing, the swelling toned down too. I hate how I can move my wrist and do simple things, but not fully play the pieces I'm working on. I can play certain parts of the pieces I'm working on but when it comes to the heavily technical and powerful/forte parts, I hit a wrong key or mess up because my wrist eventually can't endure the pain. I have to be extremely careful when I play now. Last week, my wrist very swollen and all red, but after icing it a couple times... it got better. But today, when I tried practicing and preparing for my lesson, it got worse. So I canceled my piano lesson today and I have to make it up.

I'm really starting to worry. there is nothing else but practice to music, or any kind of competition. How am I going to improve? I'm just praying that things will get better. Please, pray for me. I need to get up and about, get back to being productive. It feels so miserable and lonely without having anything to occupy myself. It's not like I'm used to sitting on the couch watching TV, or going on facebook or myspace on the computer. I haven't gone on my home computer for a long time. I only go on once a month if I remember to. Sadly, it doesn't even feel normal for me to talk on the phone with friends everyday for long periods of time. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sad, and it's eating me up because I'm just shoving it all inside. There's no one in this school that really understands the loss I'm feeling right now. I could only be able to tell a few people, and they've already graduated. You know, I feel so bored. I feel so lonely and just blank. I feel empty and just useless around the house. Sigh. Lately, I've been going through a lot of negativity and thinking for the past months. And this new problem is only building up the pile of stress. The only thing I can probably do without much pain is play in jazz band, because I don't do much in zero hour and the music isn't technical enough for my hands throb. But I wonder if Mrs. Cate will allow me to even play any instrument because of my wrist. So, she might even talk to Mr. Roller for me to not play, but I don't know. We'll see. I still got to do what I can do. I don't want pity and second chances from everyone because of this.

But regardless of my pain... I'm not giving up. I've come this far and it's a waste to just complain about my stupid wrist. I don't care what the doctors or teachers say. I'm practicing. and I'm not shortening my hours of practice in any way. I'm going to practice at least 3 hours like normal days, because I'm not allowing myself to compromise or lower any expectations. If my wrist hurts, I'll just take a little break between playing.

Reading this post made me realize how much of a negative and talkative person I've become. I've already complained so much in one blog. what a burden this is to people - just forget what I wrote in this. I need to fix this lowlife mind-set. I need to stop worrying, and start spending that time on planning what I can do to use my time wisely. I'm going to be more positive, because really... what can you do? You're either going to sit and do nothing, or go forward and make change. It's all or nothing. Nothing can stop me from being stronger, I will practice. My wrist is actually kind of making me stronger now that I think of it, as I'm expressing myself here. But hopefully, it's just a sprain.

God, please. Heal me soon.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Life is interesting.

Random jots from today

-I finally have the time to make [gross] cupcakes tonight (for the FIRST time, first time baking sweets... sad) and bring them to school on monday, before the HSPE so everyone can enjoy monday! Haha sike. My cupcakes will probably give them food poisening. But enjoy?

-Orchestra field trip to Idaho is in May, and I'm positive it's on my piano state competition day AND the day we get back is MOTHER'S DAY! WOW. How am I going to figure that out....? I'm doomed. 2 very important dates. I have to talk to Mrs. Cate.

-I had to take several naps today = wasting time. And of course, my mom lectured me. But I just smiled and tolder her that I love her, and closed my eyes. And... she didn't do anything after that but just walk away, allowing me to sleep. Hehe : D

-The HSPE. Why is everyone making such a big deal out of it? Especially the teachers? Especially Mrs. Drake and Ms. Reed? I mean, even though it's a state test, isn't it just like the WASL? and isn't it even easier than the original WASL? It's making me think the HSPE is some kind of really hard, and big test that most kids won't be able to pass. I feel the need to study.

-Oh my gosh, it's already March 14th! 3 more months until school's over. Crazy. I'm telling you, times go by even faster when we're older, just when we're trying to enjoy things. Haha, it's because we have so much more to do, and more reponsibilities.

-I'm listening to the Glee soundtrack. Amazing. I love musicals.

-random, but I love disney. I got back into the disney soundtracks again. Mulan = one of my favorites.

-Why is everyone so depressed lately? Makes me sad. It's contagious, but I'm trying hard not to let it spread to me. :/

-Today's piano lesson went well, but towards the end, not as good as the beginning. Now I have more new pieces to work on. Great. Added hours to practice now.

-I saw JOE LEE yesterday at like a random side of a busy road waiting for a ride HAHA. I miss that dude. Hilarious. Looks the same as ever. That boy's going to Stanford. Viola principal of Tacoma Youth Symphony, Mu Alpha Teta Statistics Nation Champion, and so on.

-I'm not annoyed of anyone right now. I'm pretty sure I will be when I get to school tomorrow though.

-Oh my gosh. Hope I do good on the spanish test, that I missed thursday. heard it's easy. Thank you, God!

-PROGRESS REPORTS coming in this week. Quarter ends like what... next week? I'm going to have to work harder.

-I can't wait until the HSPE is over. I can't wait until the school year is over, so I can look forward to a productive summer vacation.

-Dressing up tomorrow. To what degree should I dress up? If I dress up, I dress up. I really don't have an in between. I'll just wear my black concert attire LOL. At least I'll look I'm dressing up for an IOP presentation instead of dolling up for school.

-And lastly....

I need to go make cupcakes now or pretty soon, because I need a good sleep tonight. A good start for sleep on monday will help ease the tiredness for the rest of the week.

Good night.