Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's been a while.

I can't believe a few months have passed by already. I've forgotten about blogspot, and just everything. my friends, sleep, and simple pleasures.

I have been ridiculously busy. I have never been so busy in my entire life. I have absolutely no time any day of the week. In fact, I'm even busier on the weekends now. My life is going 1000X faster and my energy is running out just as fast.

My sleeping schedule is wack. I woke up just now at 4:30 AM not feeling tired because of last night. I have been falling asleep in 3rd period History, one of my favorite classes.

I feel like maybe I plan to accomplish too much in junior year, I won't be able to accomplish anything at all if I only try to fulfill my desires and wishful thinking, rather than taking on the things I can do. But if I think about it, everything I'm doing now I cannot sacrifice or leave out. I have to keep going.

the only solution is to organize my time even more and become more self-disciplined. i'm willing to do that. It's just going to be hard and times are going to be lonely, but once I get over this, by now time senior year will come and things will be a bit lighter.

I wish I could re-connect with those I lost touch with and apologize to them for not taking the time of day to call/text them back, or spare a few minutes. I wish the same people could talk to me freely without any hesitance or thoughts that I would be unwilling to listen to them because I am busy. I'm beginning to understand that although my productivity benefits me, it seems to create a distance with my peers and friends. If only I knew that earlier. But then, I probably wouldn't be as focused and strict on myself as I am now. Pros and cons. Is it independence or selfishness? I really don't know. All I know is that I want to myself and others to be happy, but then again, you can't please everyone. You just got to do your best.

I miss everyone dearly. I wish we didn't have to go separate ways, but then that's life.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


2008 - 2009 was good to me.
and yet another year has gone by.
time travels way too fast. i didn't get the chance to talk, befriend, and even apologize to many people this year. So many things happened. this year it seems like we're going our separate ways. and it's already so hard and painful to think about how empty, lonely it's going to be. I don't know how emotional I be on graduation day, if I'm already like this as a sophomore.
I just want to be thankful for everyday - for the people that make me smile and stick by my side, without saying so with words.
only 8 more days. This is way too fast. this is unfair. I'm really really sad. I can't believe this is happening. It still feels like february. Please, let it be april or even may. Just not June. Not yet. There's still so much to say, do, and express to my peers. I need time.
Please remember me, just as I would do for you next year. Please don't be hesitant to ever talk, call, or even say hi after we part in junior year. Everyone holds a special place in my heart. Especially the tech academy kids. And I say this with the purest honesty from the bottom of my heart.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Where words fail, music speaks.

"Your worst enemy is yourself. You will not succeed in the stock market if you failed to control yourself. How many times have you told yourself to go to the gym the next morning at 7, but changes your mind at 6.45. How many times have you tried to control your diet, but eat like a glutton when you are at the dinning table? How many times have you tried to stop drinking alcohol and stop smoking but failed. Discipline, do you have it?
You may surround yourself with the best books, learned all about the stock market technique or strategies, subscribe to the most expensive newsletters; buy a 5000-dollar winning system, and yet find yourself none the better for them; simply because you have failed to discipline your mind and thus your action.
Discipline, patience and wisdom are traits you must instill in yourself before you can succeed. Of course you must have knowledge as well."

People try too hard to impress others. All their hard work, effort, and sacrifice is sometimes for the praise and recognition from their peers. To prove others wrong, or to simply put them down and discourage them. I think differently.

When I see my friends, classmates, acquaintences, and even adults, I can clearly see the hard workers, kind-hearted, the hypocrites, the exaggeraters, and the liars. I can separate the difference between a humble person who gives their utmost best for self-improvement compared to one who works hard, cheating their way through just for the compliments, feelings of victory, and attention. I can somewhat predict the future for those who earn, and those who fake their way through.

Many people don't realize that the direction for success is simple. The process may be long, stressful, and unbearable, but good things are earned through hard work, and nothing more. There is only way to succeed. It is to give it your all - with no excuses, lies, and cheating. One must be extremely cruel, strict, and unforgiving to their self. One must be sensative to their mistakes and downfalls, yet they must learn to accept, move on, and regain their determination.

And all these things require something that every human being struggles with. Self-discipline.

Discipline is when you put your phone away from texting to study for your test. Discipline is when you choose practice over friends. Discipline is when you do the right thing in silence, and not infront of a crowd. Discipline is the hunger for earning and not cheating on the simplest things. Discipline is when one has control over their actions, because they want do their best in giving the best. Discipline does not include hypocritical, exaggerating, and twisted words. Discipline is nothing but pure honesty to oneself and their promises. Discipline is keeping one's mouth shut when they have the slightest doubt. Discipline is talking as much as the capacity of your knowledge, and nothing more. Discipline is knowing when to accept mistakes, and gaining knowledge and the will to work harder from the experience. Discipline is knowing when you have the right to complain, and take a break. Discipline is the responsibility of keeping to one's own word, regardless of how tempting it is to break it. Discipline is doing the things you hate and pushing forward, because you know it'll all amount to something in the end. Discipline is the stubborness and undying perseverence to get through hell. Discipline is knowing one is only as good as their weakest link. Discipline is nothing but cruelty, strictness, pain, and endless work that brings success and the cultivation of nothing but the amount of success they truly earn.

How often do you talk on the phone? How many hours of TV do you watch? Do you go on facebook? Do you go on myspace for hours everyday? Do you sleep right when you get home? Do you hang out with friends when you know you have that project left to finish? Do you chat with friends online while doing your homework? Do you put your social groups and friends first rather than education and priorities? Do you get angry and frustrated before trying to comprehend something you wouldn't be able to understand? Do you slam your textbooks, put your head down on the desk and contemplate why you can't do this or that, why you can't do anything right? Do you have constant self evaluations, and realize that you never follow any of your plans?

There is no other solution but consistent discipline. Discipline will never fail you. Never. People think they have the strongest discipline on themselves. Sometimes they think they work hard, give their all, when really half the time they're doubting, complaining, wasting time, and being negative. We're never perfect in what we do. But we can always try. Everything that happens in the future is because of our actions, decisions, habits, and the amount of effort we put forth in the past.

The first step towards any goal is discipline - the promise to keep a promise to oneself. Keeping promises aren't easy. But that's the only way you'll ever reach goals.

not everyone is cruel and strict on their themselves. This procastination, easy-going, and slacking method is not going to amount to anything in the future. Years from now, the habits and exaggerations people carry now will make an immense difference from the person who filled every minute with their best. Time is such a precious thing. Not everyone will know how to use it constructively.

And that is why not everyone is able to succeed.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I need to RANT.

right now or else I'm going to die from suffocation and just all the emotions burning up inside.

My life a week ago was stressful. Last saturday was the only day the weight on my shoulders was released. and now, things are back to being stressful again.

My life a week ago was totally different than how it is now.

Right now, I have way too much going on. Or maybe it's because of the queasy feeling that's overwhelming me, completely.

I got invited to play at the Korean Youth Music Performance on June 6th, and then I have the performance this 22nd and I might even be on TV, then I have a piano recital sometime around June, school orchestra concerts (but that's not as stressful compared to other events), and then I have a whole bunch of other crap to do, I can't think straight right now.

What hit me the most was the Korean Youth Music Performance. Now that annual performance is a BIG DEAL. Hundreds of people gather to see advanced, qualified, young artists perform.

For me, I honestly feel like I fall short from all the majority of performers who are upperclassmen. The performance day is on JUNE 6th and I have a recital that month too, and then I have 2 school concerts.

Then tomorrow I have a Korean Children's Choir Competition that I did NOT want to participate in (my korean school teacher made me) and now, I'm wasting HOURS of precious time on a saturday when I could be doing homework and practicing for the future performance dates.

People need to give me space sometimes. I'm getting aggravated. at first, I was flattered to be invited to perform on June 6th but now that I think of how much I have to do already and how much I have to practice even for just that one concert... it makes me sick to the stomach.

Call me a pessimist. but I've been holding this in for way too long.

I need to blow up. I'm fine if I lose sleep. I can manage. But still, let me live my life.

I work hard everyday already and it's hard enough to keep up with the fast pace everyone's pushing me to go at. I'm not a robot. I already have so much to do with music. I'm being pulled at different directions and being asked or requested to do this or that. I'd be happy to help, but if it's obvious it's not the right time to be asking, then don't ask.

I'm going to be selfish and straight forward right now. I'm doing me, and that's it. I don't care about you, what you say, about anyone else, or anything. I'm way too concerned on my own stress and frustration right now. I can't even calm down. My heart is beating like crazy, like I'm on stage about to perform in front of thousands of people.

I wish life was simple. I've got BIG events ahead, that I need to prepare. The expectations are high, and to keep up with those expectations, I've got to practice. And yes, I'll be one of the youngest at the performance on June 6th, so I'll have to be up to par with the other upperclassmen who are advanced, experienced musicians. Yeah, can I do that in 3 -4 ish weeks? I don't know let's see.

For now, I just want to build my confidence, focus on myself instead of getting nervous, and just calming DOWN.

My rant is not finished, but I cannot waste time getting everything off my chest because I have to go to bed soon for the darn choir competition tomorrow. Great. I don't even know why I feel so hot-headed and passionate to express myself right now. Shouldn't I actually be happy? Or should I be nervous and be practicing like a mad dog? Whatever.

My life is so different, but who knew everything could come flying at me all at once like this? After that competition, performances and invitations have been coming in, and it's only been a few days after!



Monday, May 10, 2010

Too much to thank for. Too much on my mind, i cannot fall asleep.

I'm so grateful. This whole week has been working out so nicely. God listened to my family's humble prayers. I'm so thankful.

I get teary-eyed thinking about saturday. Rather than feeling superior, I feel immensely grateful and shocked. This competition was basically my last chance to prove whether or not I should continue to seriously enter piano competitions. My family decided that I should either focus mainly on one instrument (violin) if the other one (piano) didn't work out as well because I had more experience with violin. I was so fearful, stressed, and panicked because I knew the opportunities for piano would be jeopardized. Even though my parents had told me they would always support me for what I have full confidence and passion for, I knew they experienced my pain, feelings of discouragement with their own share of dissapointment they hid deep inside so that I wouldn't feel any less confident, from the results of the competitions. When I was nervous, my parents were more nervous, and praying harder and harder everyday. When my fingers were blistered, rough, and wet from sweat, when my back ached from sitting in the same position for hours, my parents ached even more. When I was frustrated, when I was exhausted and tired, they were right by my side. They wanted me to release all the negative emotions, but I feared I would only pass the trouble and stress to them, I kept it all inside acting like nothing was wrong. My parents - they were the ones suffering, not me. They were the ones in the background, doing all the work. All I had to do was my best - practice. I'm so thankful to have my dad and mom as my parents. I say it a million times and I sound like a spoiled, conceited kid, but this isn't for you to read. It's for me to express my love for the people who were willing to sacrifice everything they possessed just for their family.

I'm so thankful for this outcome. I never expected this much. I never knew I could play and touch the hearts of the judges. All I know was that the moment I went on stage, I prayed sitting on the piano chair before I played, I closed my eyes, allow my face muscles and body to move as it wanted. I played with my heart and soul, not giving a care about the world. I didn't give a care if I looked constipated, full of anger, sad, or unusually happy with my strange facial expressions. I was totally myself. I was honest. And because I didn't suffocate myself and released all my hidden emotions I kept inside for years and the hidden feelings I kept from my parents so they wouldn't feel any more troubled or stressed.... I told my life story through music. Through the notes, the melody, the rhythym..... I honestly expressed to the judges my pain, sadness, anger, failures, loss, happiness, triumph, and bliss. I told it all.

and it felt amazing.

That moment was the first time in my life, where I didn't care a single bit of what people thought of me. I couldn't see, hear, or notice anyone or anything around me. It was just me, God, and the music. We were all communicating. It was an incredible moment. I believe the most amazing, worth-while moments can be experienced only once, for people to treasure and cherish. And this.... was one of those valuale moments.

Have you ever felt that way? Living in a world, or at least in a moment with no distractions. Even when there are eyes watching you to fall, hinder, sharp eyes that are waiting to critique and judge.... you are able to completely ignore all the pressure and believe in yourself for that moment?

That moment was when I realized how deeply I could get into music to the point where nothing mattered in the world. Without having to force my mind to concentrate, without having to work myself to death..... I just flowed effortlessly with the passion in my heart. I guess that day, I experienced a defining moment.

That day, the door opened for me. The door to my heart. I was able to learn more about myself.

I'm way too excited and not in my state of my mind, my words are getting repetitve, over-used, and there are errors everywhere in this blog. and probably in the last blog before this one as well.

Music will always be a part of me. I'm forever grateful. For music, for my parents, for this blessing, and most importantly... God. And although I am filled with joy and yearn to share this happiness, I do not ever intend to boast or look down on others just for one single achievement I have made. Because everyone has their own set of talents, interests, hobbies, and because everyone is their own individual, I have no right to feel that I'm any better or superior than anyone.

All I can say right now is thank you.

and I can never say that enough.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Another Blessing.

I have a lot to say in this blog. This is going to be very long. I have a lot of thanks to express as well.

Today was the big day. One of the most important, crucial, and memorable days of my sophomore year, and probably will be throughout my high school career and my whole life.

Today was the day I competed at the Washington State Youth Music Competition.

And I'm so blessed and thankful to God for everything he has done for me. For everything he has provided when I was at my worst, when I lacked confidence, skill, constantly repeating failures and dissapointments. He was the one that lifted me up from these heavy feelings that would drown me and keep me to the ground. I'm forever thankful.

Today, I became state champion 1st place for the piano players in the state competition. In May 22nd, all first place musicians for the competition will receive their trophy award and have a concert either at the UW performance hall or the KOAM radio station's hall. I'm grateful for being able to go to state the 2nd time in high school, the first time being in freshman year with my beloved Rosamunde String Quartet. I hope today's memorable day will be one of the best Mother's Day presents for my mom and grandma. The proud look on my mom's face said it all. I'm glad my mom is my mom. She's my bestfriend.

After hours of practice, frustration, sweat, exhaustion..... my hard work did pay off. I did it. I still can't believe it. I don't know how I got here so quick. I remember last week during 5th, Richard or Patrek told me that I would never know if I'd get 1st place at state, after I told them I was nervous and feeling stressed out. I just cut them off and said there would be no way I would get 1st place. Pretty ironic, looking at how things turned out huh? haha, wow.

Honestly, I thought I would have never ranked in state because I found out about the music competiton a month and a half ago, and I had to prepare 2 big pieces in that amount of time. Having to come home and practice from 3:30 until 9 or at the latest 11 PM was not the kind of life style I was planning to have in my sophomore year but to do my best, that's what I went through.

And I have no regrets of my sacrifice, and undying faith and belief in God, my beloved parents, my supporters, and myself.

I always doubted and thought as a sophomore, I would never be able to rank in a music state competition because in the majority of music competitions, the rankings only go up to 3rd place unlike sports where are they are scoreboards that show rankings up to even 10th - 20th place. Looking back, I remember so many times I dissapointed myself from not getting the results I wanted at competitions, concerts, recitals, and etc. Around the beginning of this school year, there was another big piano competition I entered and the unnecessary mistakes I made (from being nervous/sudden stage fright) during my performance just ruined my chance of placing top in the competition). I felt so wronged, and the results just hit me so hard I cried because for all those months, all those hours of daily practice, sacrifice, and even crying from dissapointment was such a tiring, repetitive process I lived through just to do well at the competition. And I didn't. The best my piano teacher saw me during lessons and practice was not what I presented at the competition performance. and that is what killed me inside. See, there were times where I literally thought I would never reach my musical goals, that I would never be good enough. It wasn't just in sophomore year but freshman year. I had another piano competition at the start of freshman year but I never got the results or played the best I could, due to my nervousness. I started music competitions back in middle school, and even then... I dissapointed myself over and over again. I failed so many times.

People questioned my skill, my dedication, my performance numerous times. People would say, "you have more experience with violin. Do more violin competitions, than piano" but knowing that piano was my greater passion, I set aside their words and continued to my best. Although at times I did feel that violin would make it easier for me to get good results at competitions when comparing my experience and skill for both piano and violin, I knew deep inside my number one musical passion was piano. I'm grateful my parents never gave up on me, and supported me through thick and thin, regardless of how hard it was to manage everything.

For all these years, when people said no.... I said yes. And today is the day I can say I overcame the biggest obstacle - I believe it was my perseverance and trust in God that he would plan what is best for me, was what kept me going. And that is one thing I'm proud about myself till this day. Regardless of what happened, I never questioned God. I never questioned why this or that happened. If I was sad, depressed or angry, I made the effort to never blame it on God, because things happened for a reason. And now, I understand why I went through all those experiences - to make me stronger. And it is now, where I can advance and go even faster and faster in music. This is the start.

Today, proved all my doubts wrong. Even though I am not perfect or as advanced or experienced in a wide circle of musicians, one thing that will make me unique will be my undying stubborness - the unwillingness to stop until I feel satisfied with my work and practice. And I believe it was this attitude that got me through all the failures I experienced, bringing me back to my feet and finally having my shining moment. I have realized just because you fail once, twice, or even a hundred times... you should never give up on something you love to do, because one day... you'll reach your goals. You will. You just got to have faith and patience.

Right now, I'm too grateful and have too much on my mind to express how I'm feeling.

Today has been a long, joyful day. I got home not too long ago, around 11:28 PM-ish. Today was a day celebrating the cultivation of all my hard work for the past month and a half, Mother's day, my grandmother's moving-away, Korean BBQ, and a stroll down Seattle downtown. Today has been amazing. It couldn't have been any better.

I will explain more about the competition and it's details later, if I remember to edit this.

But for now, I'm tired and have said my share of words.

Thank you for those who supported and believed me in me, when I didn't. And most of all,

thank you God. If it weren't for you and my strong belief in you.... I would have been so lonely, hopeless, and nowhere near where I am today.

Today is not a day fully dedicated to me, regardless of what I overcame, accomplished, and how I feel. Instead, today is a day dedicated and centered on God and my supporters, especially my parents. Because truthfully, without the support and extra push for all these opportunities, I would have never found another musical passion in my life - piano.

Thank you so much. I'm so very grateful. Thank you so much. I really have no other way to put it. My parents years of support and meticulous planning are slowly paying off. I promise to make them proud and do my best in return of all their sacrifices.

I'm so very blessed, Lord.

Oh, and happy Mother's day. Love you, mom. Always and forever

Thursday, April 1, 2010

penultimate day of the week before break.

got back from a band concert.

I'm so tired. I got home late, then I had to leave after an hour and a half later, for the concert.

You know what's funny? Nikki knows, because I told her behind stage. haha.

I never get nervous for concerts (at least not school concerts) until... the very moment I'm on the stage, about to play. Strange, huh? I start burning up, and my cheeks feel like they're 3453453450498 degrees. hahaha.

And the heat gave me a headache, when I was on stage. The heat from the lights, all the bodies in the auditorium, my body, and my cheeks lol. Constant surrounding of heat always give me headaches, and it sucks. I guess that's one of the reasons why my mom told me I played too stiff and uncomfortable today. Well, I didn't play as well as I could because I wasn't at jazz band very much. I know I could have taken the music home to practice, but my first priority is not jazz. It's my lesson pieces for upcoming competitions. If I'm able to just go with the flow and fit the right chords in for the music without much practice, then I'll do so. Mr. Roller said that's what jazz piano is all about anyways, so I could save time for more lesson practices. The main reason I joined jazz because Mr. Roller kept wanting me to join, and I thought it would be interesting to try out. I was never passionate or extremely serious about it. Another mistake I've made: Only join when you are fully confident that you're going to be serious, committed, and still have fun.

Now more of a personal evaluation: I feel bad because I'm letting the group and especially Mr. Roller down for my absences, but I really don't have a choice. I was putting myself first and my priorities. Mr. Roller was the one that brought me into jazz, and I should have made more effort in return to thank him. Sigh. I was not able to attend zero hour jazz band very much this quarter because 1) my wrist was damaged. I couldn't play. 2) this quarter had the most absences due to sickness. so i had to stay at home. and the most common reason/excuse3) I couldn't wake up. Why? I have been so exhausted and tired this quarter. it was intense, because I could barely get sleep, due to the preparations for my upcoming competitions. After all the competitions, I will get more sleep which means = present at zero hour! and my wrist is better now, so I can play piano! I just can't play violin as often because I have to twist my arm for positions and fingering. Anyways, I won't have to let nikki alone to play all the jazz pieces during zero hour. I feel bad all the time. Even though when it comes to things that are not my main priorities, I still need to learn how to be more responsible. I'm just grateful Mr. Roller and I were good last year. That's the only thing that's saving me from not getting an A in zero hour.

I'm grateful for mr. roller's patience and understanding for me. Whenever I talk to him, he understands because he's been there to support me for my outside musical involvements, especially like last year.

Mr. Roller thank you, and I'm very sorry. And to the rest of the jazz musicians (especially nikki, since you play piano too), I'm so sorry! once all the crazy things are done, I will be back on track.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

train of thoughts

1. listening to Hey, Soul Sister by Train. (love them. I also love the Kollaboration version of it.)
2. I got home 20 some minutes ago (10:20 ish), from the National Honor Society Senior Prom Community Service Event. I loved it. It was so sweet, beautiful, and warmed my heart. I haven't felt so warm in a while.
3. I'm done with my nhs hours, finally.
4. Alison Baluca: You're such a sweet, funny, and uplifting person. You have so much passion and care for everything you work so hard. You pour your heart and soul into the things you work for and want so badly. I know encouraging words seem to fade away after the heavy weight starts to crush you and make you feel hopeless, but don't let yourself fall for that. Think of the honest words that specific people tell you, when you ask for help. Be strong, and stronger every time. And to do that, you have to do something very hard - whole-heartedly accept the situation, and look at the bright side, and have confidence in yourself. No matter how hopeless, lost, confused, angry, impatient, and sad you feel, remember... it's all on you. You can be happy in any situation. You just got to be stronger, and pull yourself together to look on the bright side of things. You can do it. I know next year is going to be very, very different for you - in a lot of good ways. This year might have been rough, but looking back, you're going to learn so much from it all and help others who were in the same situation as you. Alison, don't ever give up. You have so much hunger to do good, and all that work you've been doing will pay off. hard work always amounts to something, and we just go to be patiently waiting for it, and continue working. You're going to be amazing. You have such a sweet heart. You'll get to places. You're going to get out of this stressful cycle, and believe me when you do, you'll be so amazing. You have so much potential. So much yearning to do good, and that's what's going to get you where you want! People deserve to know how hard of a worker you are. So to those who read this blog, just keep in mind how hard this girl works. She's very meticulous, and careful on everything. She deserves a lot.
5. The Jackson Five is an amazing band.
6. I like positive, uplifting people. Doesn't everyone? Makes you laugh, when they're around.
6. I'm starting to have more patience with Fisher. You know, she's human and we have to understand that she has good intentions too.
7. Today was so much fun - thanks to the amazing senior prom event. I felt all warm and fuzzy. I laughed and talked so much. Great bonding moments, with strangers, and distant friends. I love Cheryl, she has such an innocent, pure heart. I have a lot of respect for her, especially in this generation of teenagers.
8. Christmas songs make me feel so happy, yet mellow and sad. it's like a sad, romantic ballad almost. Aren't Christmas songs supposed to make you feel happy and all jolly? well, some of Jackson Five's Christmas songs are addicting for me. Don't know why.
9. What's so hilarious: 5th period cwi today. HAHA, i'm sorry but I literally LOL'd there. My Group (option 1) consumed the whole period, because so many people had questions to ask us. To be honest, I'm just doing my job to support and back up my option, but it's too simple of a position to the point where there are so many opposing arguments that can be made. Demolishing terrorism and using immediate force.... i mean, personally, (with no feelings attached to my position), I would have NOT agreed. I totally understand the opposing groups, but what's required for a project, is what's required. I'm just doing my job, and it wasn't the easy thing to do, but oh well. Mock Trial did help a lot though. What a use, finally. I appreciated Jashanpreet's involvement within the presentation. I was surprised. I guess all that pushing and (yelling) at him did pay off.... haha. But, Jashan shouldn't have said unecessary details just to reply or make people laugh. Oh well, what's done is done. Now I'm just curious about my individual part. and, I want to add - people are disrespectful. when someone is up to present, it's not nice to scoff and look down on others when they worked hard to support something that they don't whole-heartedly agree with. I wasn't planning to go easy on other groups from the beginning anyways. Let's see what's in store for all of us then, shall we?
10. God bless you all.

Off to do homework, and again another late night. See you all tomorrow.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sweet talk and understanding isn't always what's best.

A side of me most people haven't seen is my impatient, abrasive, and demanding side. when it comes to being serious, it's about dealing the with my priorities, the things i love to do, or things that are most important to me.

when it comes to those things, i'm serious. and i don't "do emotion" and i get competitive when i need to. i'm not always the understanding, patient, sweet talker.

in life, there are many times where you have collaborate, join, and work with people. and out all people, when people like these teammates get in the way of the things i'm trying to accomplish, i have no choice but to simply cold-heartedly push them. i have no tolerance or patience to deal with excuses, lies, repetitive exaggerations, and stretched explanations. i don't care about the problem. give me the solution.

i'm sorry but i don't have pity on people. if you want me to treat you equally, so be it. i will, and i give you my word on that. i don't have pity or extra understanding on your situation, and why is that? because you want me to treat you equally, as i do for everyone else. you are no hospital patient, so get the job done.

if the people i work with get in the way of my life, they won't be standing there too long. i'll make them run up hills, mountains, and tortuous roads so that way they don't have to be the same, lazy old bum next time. i really don't like wasting my time trying to get people to cooperate and settle down but i guess every team that wants to be successul has to go through such things at the beginning. I'd rather use my time get my work done with people. it's not rocket science. it's called being responsible. and obviously for some, that's very hard.

I don't care if people don't like the work I give them. I don't care if they're stressed out by a little homework they're supposed to do. I could care less about their excuses. you know why? Because they're not the only ones. I'm human, and I go through tough times too. I have struggles and hard times, but I don't waste time complaining and telling everyone about my problems? No. and why is that? Because face it, 10 years from now, those people aren't going to remember your problems after marriage, after children, and an occupation. They won't have the time to take care of you or even care about you, but their family. Some might even stray away or try to get closer to you based on the car you drive, the house you buy, and your income. if you're poor and homeless, some of them won't even take the time to get to reconnect with you and they'll ignore you. People just move on and change, because you're bound to go forward. And that's cruel I know but guess what, things like that happen. And why? Because that's life. Crazy things happen, anything goes. The world wasn't meant to be cruel, but weird just things happen because of careless people.

Oh, I'm sorry for hurting people's feelings for being a robot, but sometimes, you just gotta deal with knowing how to focus and work hard. If that's a difficulty for some, then that's definitely a concern. When it comes to dealing with people that are not as cooperative, i have responsibility over them as well. so either you're under my rules, or you're out. in this case, it's not easier said. instead, it's as simple to do as i say it.

ENOUGH of the lies and fake words saying you're better than what you've presented, that you usually aren't like this, or that you've been going through a lot of things - the fact that you're way more capable of greater things. If you know you can do better, than show me. prove it to me. sometimes, actions prove more than words. I don't trust easily, and that means I can cut people off easily as well. If you don't do your part or show me, I'll do what I've got to do.

when you're in a group with me and i'm in charge, if i'm honest with you... you're either going hate me or love me. if you can deal with my early deadlines, long daily emails with a dozen highlights, lecturing and snapping, then you'll understand my good intentions for the whole team. otherwise, if you're just complaining and hating on me, good for you. there's no way you're going to get anywhere in life, or deal with the real world.. where bosses are far worse.

For certain things, i can be patient. but if you push my buttons, you'll get something you won't expect. i'm not saying i'm some brat that has evil pranks in mind to pull on people. i'm saying, you're going to realize how you made your teammates and me suffer, the hard, painful way. and that's going to be through me. people don't expect me to confront them, but when it gets unbearable, I have no trouble saying everything on my mind.

Lazy people need to be under immense training, or they need to get lost. they are given opportunities, but they toss them out the window.

you know what i learned? lazy people are ungrateful. that's what they are.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I wasn't going to say this, but I just need a place to vent.

I'm upset. Very upset. Why?

Because my wrist.... is most likely fractured, sprained, or my muscle is pulled. I don't know what happened to it, but I know it's most likely not good. All my friends and teachers said it's swollen and I have to check it out, because it could be pretty bad. At first, I just ignored it and thought it was a natural hand sore that you get after practicing a lot. I thought, "big deal. It'll go away soon." But the exact opposite happened. I hate complaining, but my wrist has been killing me for over a week now (since last friday or so) and it all happened from period 3. I'm not going to explain how it all happened because it'll take too long, but all I'm going to say is my wrist has gotten worse... and its bothering me in a lot of ways.

I can cope with this pain. Big Deal. So why exactly am I upset?

Because I can't really practice now, and I have a piano state competition this MAY. I have so many things to prepare for in May.

I'm either doomed, or lucky to be rehearsing in the next 2 weeks.

I feel empty, and like a robot without my hands. I realized my hands are the only thing that allow me to do the things I want - violin, piano. and now that it's temporarily useless, I'm nothing without it. I can't do the things I want, I can't practice, and I have nothing to do in my life. I try to practice but my wrist hurts, and I try to lead the orchestra in 6th period and play.... but now I have to sit out and file music in the office. And what makes it worse is that I have to start preparing for my Bellevue Youth Symphony violin audition and there's probably a youth group Easter orchestra performance at church that I have prepare for as well. Even more worse? I was so excited to have a Rosamunde Quartet Reunion this may, because we planned to play for someone's wedding, but if my wrist doesn't heal until then, I won't be able to even DO THAT! and logan gets out of school in may. THEN we have an orchestra concert field trip to Idaho AND an orchestra contest in may as well. HOW am I going to do all this if my wrist is like this? it feels as if the things I once loved and worked hard for are slowly losing from my grip.

Let me vent: I know to many, I may sound like an immature, babbling teenager that's exaggerating about a wrist, but I'm taking this situation very seriously because my wrist is basically what I use to help me do the things I need to do. You wouldn't be able to fully understand less you were in my shoes. The situation I'm in is horrible. it's one of the worst feelings ever. I'm feeling nervous and anxious. I feel like I'm not on steady ground, being in unpredicted danger. now I'm starting understand a little on how athletes/musicians feel when they get into serious accidents and lose a part of their body, not being able to compete/play as they used to. As I was looking back on my old blog posts, I came across a blog on my love for music and reading it made me really sad. I used to love music and I still do, but now, I'm not able to exactly play and do the things I want with it. http://yangkid.blogspot.com/2008/12/beauty-of-music.html But this post made me realize that no matter what happens, I will never quit on music because it's consumes so much of my life.

What's more frustrating is that I can move my wrist and hand, but I can't twist it and I can't put a lot of pressure onto it, or else it'll start throbbing and hurting like crazy. From the outside, my wrist looks absolutely fine, at least in my eyes. After a few days of icing, the swelling toned down too. I hate how I can move my wrist and do simple things, but not fully play the pieces I'm working on. I can play certain parts of the pieces I'm working on but when it comes to the heavily technical and powerful/forte parts, I hit a wrong key or mess up because my wrist eventually can't endure the pain. I have to be extremely careful when I play now. Last week, my wrist very swollen and all red, but after icing it a couple times... it got better. But today, when I tried practicing and preparing for my lesson, it got worse. So I canceled my piano lesson today and I have to make it up.

I'm really starting to worry. there is nothing else but practice to music, or any kind of competition. How am I going to improve? I'm just praying that things will get better. Please, pray for me. I need to get up and about, get back to being productive. It feels so miserable and lonely without having anything to occupy myself. It's not like I'm used to sitting on the couch watching TV, or going on facebook or myspace on the computer. I haven't gone on my home computer for a long time. I only go on once a month if I remember to. Sadly, it doesn't even feel normal for me to talk on the phone with friends everyday for long periods of time. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sad, and it's eating me up because I'm just shoving it all inside. There's no one in this school that really understands the loss I'm feeling right now. I could only be able to tell a few people, and they've already graduated. You know, I feel so bored. I feel so lonely and just blank. I feel empty and just useless around the house. Sigh. Lately, I've been going through a lot of negativity and thinking for the past months. And this new problem is only building up the pile of stress. The only thing I can probably do without much pain is play in jazz band, because I don't do much in zero hour and the music isn't technical enough for my hands throb. But I wonder if Mrs. Cate will allow me to even play any instrument because of my wrist. So, she might even talk to Mr. Roller for me to not play, but I don't know. We'll see. I still got to do what I can do. I don't want pity and second chances from everyone because of this.

But regardless of my pain... I'm not giving up. I've come this far and it's a waste to just complain about my stupid wrist. I don't care what the doctors or teachers say. I'm practicing. and I'm not shortening my hours of practice in any way. I'm going to practice at least 3 hours like normal days, because I'm not allowing myself to compromise or lower any expectations. If my wrist hurts, I'll just take a little break between playing.

Reading this post made me realize how much of a negative and talkative person I've become. I've already complained so much in one blog. what a burden this is to people - just forget what I wrote in this. I need to fix this lowlife mind-set. I need to stop worrying, and start spending that time on planning what I can do to use my time wisely. I'm going to be more positive, because really... what can you do? You're either going to sit and do nothing, or go forward and make change. It's all or nothing. Nothing can stop me from being stronger, I will practice. My wrist is actually kind of making me stronger now that I think of it, as I'm expressing myself here. But hopefully, it's just a sprain.

God, please. Heal me soon.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Life is interesting.

Random jots from today

-I finally have the time to make [gross] cupcakes tonight (for the FIRST time, first time baking sweets... sad) and bring them to school on monday, before the HSPE so everyone can enjoy monday! Haha sike. My cupcakes will probably give them food poisening. But enjoy?

-Orchestra field trip to Idaho is in May, and I'm positive it's on my piano state competition day AND the day we get back is MOTHER'S DAY! WOW. How am I going to figure that out....? I'm doomed. 2 very important dates. I have to talk to Mrs. Cate.

-I had to take several naps today = wasting time. And of course, my mom lectured me. But I just smiled and tolder her that I love her, and closed my eyes. And... she didn't do anything after that but just walk away, allowing me to sleep. Hehe : D

-The HSPE. Why is everyone making such a big deal out of it? Especially the teachers? Especially Mrs. Drake and Ms. Reed? I mean, even though it's a state test, isn't it just like the WASL? and isn't it even easier than the original WASL? It's making me think the HSPE is some kind of really hard, and big test that most kids won't be able to pass. I feel the need to study.

-Oh my gosh, it's already March 14th! 3 more months until school's over. Crazy. I'm telling you, times go by even faster when we're older, just when we're trying to enjoy things. Haha, it's because we have so much more to do, and more reponsibilities.

-I'm listening to the Glee soundtrack. Amazing. I love musicals.

-random, but I love disney. I got back into the disney soundtracks again. Mulan = one of my favorites.

-Why is everyone so depressed lately? Makes me sad. It's contagious, but I'm trying hard not to let it spread to me. :/

-Today's piano lesson went well, but towards the end, not as good as the beginning. Now I have more new pieces to work on. Great. Added hours to practice now.

-I saw JOE LEE yesterday at like a random side of a busy road waiting for a ride HAHA. I miss that dude. Hilarious. Looks the same as ever. That boy's going to Stanford. Viola principal of Tacoma Youth Symphony, Mu Alpha Teta Statistics Nation Champion, and so on.

-I'm not annoyed of anyone right now. I'm pretty sure I will be when I get to school tomorrow though.

-Oh my gosh. Hope I do good on the spanish test, that I missed thursday. heard it's easy. Thank you, God!

-PROGRESS REPORTS coming in this week. Quarter ends like what... next week? I'm going to have to work harder.

-I can't wait until the HSPE is over. I can't wait until the school year is over, so I can look forward to a productive summer vacation.

-Dressing up tomorrow. To what degree should I dress up? If I dress up, I dress up. I really don't have an in between. I'll just wear my black concert attire LOL. At least I'll look I'm dressing up for an IOP presentation instead of dolling up for school.

-And lastly....

I need to go make cupcakes now or pretty soon, because I need a good sleep tonight. A good start for sleep on monday will help ease the tiredness for the rest of the week.

Good night.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

People these days are too lenient on themselves.

"You aren't perfect. Cut yourself some slack."

I'm starting to hate that line.

One of my philosophies in life is to never settle for less. I was raised to do my best under all circumstances, or at least put forth some effort. In every obstacle, struggle, and fight, it involved my blood, sweat, and tears. And even though I work hard to the point where I overthink everything, and fail to exceed my expectations, I don't ever give up. I know I am far from perfect, but that doesn't stop me from striving for the best. Every time, after every failure, dissapointment, and ridicule, I pick myself up and get stronger. I am continually strict on myself because I know that is the only way I will reach my goals. And why do I do this? Because I know that "many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

These days, kids don't work hard. The role of teenagers have changed so much. Sure, the world is constantly developing and life brings changes, but we can always control what we want to change and what exactly we should change. Our society is corrupt, and it is a deep concern. What makes it worse is that people are fine with it, and half of those who are careless don't even come to realize what is so wrong with our world. They know that humans aren't perfect, allowing them to think that it's okay to make careless mistakes and screw around or what they call "experiment" with their life. If they actually took the time to hear the words that came out of their mouth, they would be surprised from how pitiful they sound. From what I've seen, I can say that this generation of teenagers are out of control, irresponsible, and lazy.

Hard work is required everywhere you go. You can never outbeat skill, dedication, and hard work because it is those things that determine a person's success.

For these past 16 years, I have not experienced enough to have the full right, claiming that I know everything about the world. There are many things I'm not aware of, and a myriad of opportunities I have waiting for me. But regardless of all this lacking, in this short amount of time and with little experience, there is still so much I have learned. So much I have felt deep inside. And one of the things I have learned about the world, is that a lot of things about it (not the whole world and everything within it) have changed - changed for the worst. And that includes the people living in it as well.

Innocence. Purity. Honesty. At one time, those things actually mattered to people. They were valued, taken seriously to the heart, and a part of everyone's life. People actually strived to be good. Now, it's not so much. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

These days, teenagers are far too lazy and don't know even care (enough) of how their actions, decisions, and choice of priorities all amount to their future and effect their surroundings. And in the end, they complain, realize, and eventually regret. It's these kinds of cycles, lives, and mistakes that are continually on repeat. I can't stand people in this generation. Sure, people may take into account the consequences they would face from making certain decisions, but doesn't everyone? Since when was making smart decisions and being responsible simply knowing right from wrong and the punishments? Being responsible requires much more than that - it takes consistent action, not just words.

I wish people were more honest to themselves. I'm not saying I'm perfectly honest, responsible , and fitting all these ideal descriptions of a teenager. My point is, I wished more people accepted them fully for who they are and took the time to look in the mirror, and seriously think about their actions, and if they're going to live the same life today as they did yesterday. People are so ridiculous, and their only excuses these days are the fact that we're only human, therefore proving that we are bound to make mistakes. And it's these kinds of lines they apply incorrectly their life, allowing their mind to think that it isn't so bad, or actually okay to intentionally mess up, and disappoint your parents. Again, settling for less. Lack of trying.

You know what I've realized? It's always the guilty, the cheaters, liars, and excuse-makers that have so much to say and explain. They have so many details about their life to stretch and exaggerate. They have so many defenders and haters. They have the fame, popularity... and the pity. People are far too lenient on themselves, and when they try hard to defend themselves and have some self pride.... they don't even realize that they're actually lowering themselves and destructing their self-pride.

I've learned that in life, the only way you're actually going to live a good, clean life and be happy is to live the righteous way and learn from your mistakes. And learning from your mistakes isn't just feeling the pain and afterwards move on from the pain. Learning from your mistakes is knowing how to accept everything that happened, and learning how to apply the valuable lesson you learned to your future life. And why should we do that? In order to not make the same mistake again, live the same life, and come clean.

People don't take enough time to strive for the better, no matter what they say. No matter what they claim to know. Regardless of their excuses, and the famous line, "You don't understand me neither do you know anything at all. You've never been in my shoes. You don't know my life. Who are you to tell me what to do? So don't judge."

Well, people are obviously trying to help you, or fix out your life because of the way you present yourself, and put on a show.

If you are in need of help, actually try to take the smart path and fix your problems, instead of living in circles. And don't take your despisers' and opposing words into offense. Actually take the time to think about why the would say such things about, and the deep meanings behind their message. Although people hurt and betray one another, there are always reasons for what they say.

I believe people don't talk about these kinds of topics enough these days. So, I think everyone can learn from this. These words don't amount to anything great or wise. They're just words from my opinion, that I think people should keep in mind every once in a while. Words like these are even to those who are arrogant and blind to who they are. They are for the pure, humble, and patient. They are applicable to everyone because we're all hypocritical. Everyone should take the time to slowly, intensely, and thoughtfully think about the immense change of our people in this generation.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What a Change.

Sophomore year has definitely brought some changes. Who knew I could change so much in a few months? No one expected it. What's funny was that this year, I wasn't as thrilled after finals ended. Sure, I felt happy but I didn't feel relieved, like a huge weight was dropped from my shoulders. The day after finals just felt like another day to look forward to work, work, more work, and future work. Haha... kinda sad.

Well, this year, a lot happened in so little time. I don't know why, but for some reason, I like this year a lot. Its.... peaceful. All my peers this year seemed to be having a hard time struggling with what they have to do, but this year, I guess it's because of the promise I kept to myself that helped me persevere through all the difficult times. Last semester was a good one for me, and hopefully this semester will be too. The classes I'm taking, the teachers I have, and their learning styles are all very different from one another, but it's trained me to adapt to their learning systems. It's helped me realize that there's no use to complaining because in the future, no one's going to change or make way to fit everything based on your needs.

Other than than the mutual changes that all my classmates and I felt, personally, there were a lot of changes for me.

Sophomore year definitely kept me busy, and on my toes. There were many things to prepare for outside of school. Bellevue youth symphony auditions for violin (which are coming up very soon), piano competitions, and other music preparations kept me busy. Having to practice hours every day regardless of the time of day exhausted me but I pushed myself to focus and concentrate. The reason was, I wanted to work hard because I knew everything I do now would shape my future. Other than music, there was community service, NHS, key club (which I haven't been to go for a while now, because of mock trial), and Mock Trial. Community service and Mock Trial took a lot of my time due to the insane amount of homework (especially at the beginning) and the club meetings lasting until 4:30, held at least 3 times a week. From looking at the kinds of things I participated, it made realize what I should and shouldn't have been involved in based on my main priorities and schedule. This semester, I want to focus and dedicate even more time onto my main focuses outside of school: piano and violin. Why? Because from looking back into semester 1, it gave me the feeling that I was a bit scattered all over the place, and I didn't have a strong foundation, or at least a focus point on one specific area. There's so much I want to do with music and I'm just too excited to prepare for it all.

Another major change has been orchestra. This year, orchestra is very different from last year. We have a ton of freshman, and a lot of violas. I miss Logan and Kailee dearly. I miss sitting next to Logan and playing with him. I miss rehearsing and getting coachings when all of us were in our private string quartet. I miss getting rides from Kailee and listening to her singing along to "Into the Woods." Hahaha. But nonetheless, I've been working hard to be a "decent" leader for the orchestra. As concertmistress, I'm trying to set a good example and not be a negative influence for the freshman, but sometimes, it's a bit frustrating when they don't pay attention, or constantly talk when they're not supposed to. But all in all, I get the feeling that being concert mistress this year was harder than it was in freshman year during 1st semester. Anyways, I'm doing my best for KM's orchestra and of course for Logan and Kailee!

Well.... other than the major changes, this year, I remember the times when I was discouraged. There were times when I wanted to lose hope and forget about the promise I made to myself. But it was during these times, when I realized at the end of the day, I would regret my whole life from giving up after just a little pain. This year, I learned that if I really want something, I'll do whatever it takes and go all lengths, regardless of the challenges and the barriers.

Looking into the future makes me aware that I have so much more that I want to accomplish, achieve, and work for. And it's sophomore year when I'm finally getting the sense that I'm growing up - that I am a young adult, preparing and shaping my future during these remaining years of high school. I've always known that I'm not a quitter, but this year, the fire for my determination has lit even more.

Overall, the whole "feel" of being a sophomore is totally different from being a 9th grader. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. Although my view on sophomore year isn't the same as the majority of my classmates, it makes me aware that my productivity during the summer paid off.

I hope 2nd semester is a success for all the hardworking and determined KMTA classmates. I know all of us work so hard, and have our own individual goals. I wish the best of luck for all of you, and I pray that you'll stay put to your promises and never give up! Let's make the last year of being a KMTA student and an underclassman (if that's a word) our utmost best!

Good luck, class of 2012!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Soundtrack of My Freshman Year

I just laugh listening to all those things I had on my playlist, desktop, and music accounts to keep me company during the stressful nights in freshman year.

Freshman year.

For some reason, that word seems perfect to go with a big sigh. Freshman year was only a year ago, but you know.... minus all of those thoughts, it's scary knowing the past that was once so close to you, will never come back. The fact that the anterior moments of your life are unreachable, and only left to remain as a reflection.

Playing song after song and skipping 3 or 4 at a time, brought back memories and flashbacks of the experiences from last year. I thought of how these songs related to my life at that point, and how they comforted me. After listening to some of the really happy, uplifting songs, it made me realize how I was immature back then, to be so ardent and excited about the tiniest things that didn't really even matter. Listening to the sad songs for some reason gave me peace. But, some of the lyrics were so deep and meaningful in such a depressing way, I just skipped the songs.

Man, I don't really feel any different, but I do accept that I have changed in a lot of ways. Just from listening the soundtrack of my freshman year and looking at the pictures I saved on my camera have brought so many emotions in one day.

Although I'm a day late, here's to another wonderful new year. It's funny how people look forward to a new year -a new quarter, semester, school, home so they can start over and have a fresh start. I used to be one of those people. But now, I like to think that people should make 2010, and every single year a good one by making the extra effort to smile, and work harder than the previous year because there is no point in depending on a clean slate, if you're the one who is in control of your life.

This year, I want to really make a change. I want to start living life. I don't have a list of my new year's resolutions, but I know what I need to do, improve, work harder in, give back to, appreciate, and you know, change in general. I'm just staying broad on my goals, that way I can accomplish things at the same time. But I'm still going to make one, because I've been doing it for my whole life anyways haha.

Life just goes by so fast. Man.... it goes by too fast. It goes by faster and faster as you get older.


Who knows what we'll become in the next 10 years.

I'm just thankful for the strong past I've had - all the good and bad that occurred.

I'm just walking down the path I was given to follow, awaiting for new adventures, challenges, triumphant moments and failures, and new friends.

Bleh, today, my thoughts aren't being transferred very well into words on the computer screen. wait, they never have. my blog posts always sounded like thoughts molded into separate paragraphs, and just other blabbers. I'm tired. I don't think I sound very much like myself here right now. I'll fix it later whenever I remember to get on the computer again.

Happy New Year everyone! Wishing the best of luck to you guys, in the year 20010. Make it a good one. God bless you.