Grandpa I'll see you in heaven someday.

It's 1:02 AM and I can't seem to fall asleep. After reading one of Abby's previous blogs about her Uncle who passed away a few years ago, it made me want to talk about my grandfather. From reading Abby's thoughts and memories with her uncle, it literally made me cry. I had tears streaming down my face, and that moment was so emotional. [Forgive me if this blog post will be extremely long, and unorganized, because I'm just venting out my thoughts.]

I'm writing this blog for my grandfather to see in Heaven. Grandpa, I'm writing a blog about you to let the whole world know what kind of person you were, because this is the least I can do to give back all the love and support you gave to our family.

Everyone loves their grandparents. Everyone has something to brag about them. I don't know how to prove in words how my grandpa was/is the best grandpa in the world. I just don't know how to let my voice be heard in this world, to let everyone know how sincere, honest, and loving my grandpa was. I probably only feel this way because he's my own grandpa. It could appear differently from an outsider's point of view.... but I want to get this straight. My grandpa made a huge difference in my life. He taught me how to smile in tough times, and taught me how to keep my head up and know that he loved me from the start and would never give up on me.

He did the simple things that every grandparent does. Bake cookies, make chicken noodle soup when you're sick, read you stories, take you to the carnivals and take pictures with you, spoil you and buy you whatever you want, and etc. I do appreciate all those small things my grandpa did for me. But my grandpa provided something that no one could ever provide the same way. I can't explain in words, it's indescribable. All that remains are tears dripping on my fingers, unable to type out the emotions that are stirring in my mind right now.

Well, in our neighborhood, in our church, or the korean community, my grandpa was known as the "smiling" man. Everyone loved him and respected him as an elder in the church, and he was always positive in every situation. He had a kind, sincere heart to any stranger. He never had enemies, or people he disliked. It was my grandpa that taught me to love everyone [even your enemies] instead of disliking them. Also, my grandpa was extremely passive. He could never say no to anyone, and was always one of the first to volunteer or help someone out. He was one of the most honest, sincere, and helpful people I knew in this world. From looking at my grandpa, he has made me want to make a difference in other's lives, like the way he has impacted me.

I remember him always waking me up for school, frying eggs and toasting bread. The very first thing I would see was his bright smile, and a distant voice saying, "Princess, princess wake up!" It seems kind of corny because of the term "princess" but that just shows how much he loved me. And he would always call my brother, "Mr. President" or "The next Bill Gates." Haha, with his broken english and addiction to golf hats, he appeared awkward to my friends. At times, I was even embarassed of him because he would stand outside infront of the car, waiting for me to come out of school, and greeting me cheerfully in korean. [very loud.] If only I knew how to thank him for always giving me that unconditional love. I regret so many things. So many things I took advantage of.

It was August 13th, the day my grandfather went fishing with his friends. That day just happened to be Friday the 13th, shocking... I know. Well, that was the day that he passed away from a heart attack. He left the house at dawn, and went to go fishing at Ocean Shores with a couple of new friends he made. The day before, my grandpa was physically worn out from rearranging the house, moving mattresses, and helping the neighbors move their furniture. Even though he was an old man, his spirit was still bold and young. I guess he was just tired, and weak. With his weak body but stubborn spirit, it just wasn't enough to fight against the sudden, huge ocean wave that shocked him, causing his heart to stop circulating. From what witnesses have said, his body was lying face down in the ocean, with the waves splashing him. He wasn't lying in the ocean for a long time after the heart attack, it wasn't too long before his friends found out he had just collapsed in the ocean waters. That description gave me a horrifying picture of my grandpa dying, which made me so sad and angry. The life saver tried CPR on him but by the time he was at the ER.... my grandpa was dead. God decided it was him time to go.

I will never forget the day, and the exact moment my parents rushed into the house. My mom got a phone call from a lady [wife of one of my grandpa's friends].... receiving news that my grandpa past away. It was very simliar to the scene of when Tom Robinson's wife was told from Atticus that Tom was dead. My mom instantly fell to the ground like the energy and weight just drained out of her. Her knees were locked onto the ground and she started crying all of a sudden. This was the first time I saw my dad cry. My dad's own father just passed away.... and when I stared into my dad's eyes... I could see the tears slowly form. I could see the yearning, loneliness, and fear in my dad's eyes. My grandma just had no strength to deal with what just happened. She almost fainted, and was mentally shocked, causing her to lose her memory slowly. This was a day that I could never forget. To this day, my dad still blames my grandpa's friend for my grandpa's death. My dad loved my grandfather so much, he wanted his own father to live to see the day I got married and have kids. He wanted to see me graduate and get my first job. His death was just too sudden, and early for him. That's why my dad always tells us to be careful with people in general, because if we end up with the wrong crowd, we mess up our own lives- possibly take our own lives away too. His lectures and fears are built from my grandpa's death. But even though this happened, I believe my dad should learn how to accept, and forgive in life. As a son that just lost his own father... it definitely is a hard thing to do but that's the best decision to make for our family. Someday he will.

I never got to say goodbye to my grandpa. I never got the chance to say how much I loved him, and how much he meant to me. I never did any of those things before he died. I regret it so much. I don't think I told my grandpa often that I loved him. That just stabs me in the heart, and makes me feel so stupid. I kick myself a million times for that. These are the moments when I wish I could just turn back time, and see my grandpa one last time... hug him tight, and tell him that I've grown this much. If he were still alive, I would promise him that I would succeed in life, and accomplish great things. That I would follow his footsteps to help others in need with a positive attitude, and make a difference whenever I could and wherever I go.

I can never forget his laugh, his bright smile, his one of a kind personality, and never... his kind heart. He was someone you could trust with all your heart, family or not. I'm so scared that I'll forget all my childhood memories of him, how he looks like, how he used to smell like, and what his favorite necktie was. I still hang one of his neckties and jacket in my closet. I press it into my face and desperately try to breath in his perfume, which is no longer existing.

It's funny how such tragic things can happen in one's life so quickly. One second, a person is walking down the street and the next second the person's dead..... hit from a car. Like how last Sunday I saw a dead body lying on the road, covered with white cloth, with only his/her feet sticking out. It was a sad, and terrifying sight to see.

All in all, the past is the past. I've learned to move on, and be strong. I owe my grandpa so much. I thank him, miss him, and I can't say it enough... but I'm so sorry for all the childish things I did as a young kid.

Grandpa, I will always love you. I will never give up, and keep you always, safely tucked in my heart. I'll make you proud some day, and I'm sorry for all I've done, and thankful for everything you've provided me. I will keep my Christian faith strong and always rely on the Lord, succeed in life, graduate from a decent college, have a family, and always strive for the best regardless of the situations. I promise you I'm working to the best of my abilities to accomplish all these things. Grandpa, you changed me in so many ways. I love you. And This blog is for you.