Friday, May 14, 2010

I need to RANT.

right now or else I'm going to die from suffocation and just all the emotions burning up inside.

My life a week ago was stressful. Last saturday was the only day the weight on my shoulders was released. and now, things are back to being stressful again.

My life a week ago was totally different than how it is now.

Right now, I have way too much going on. Or maybe it's because of the queasy feeling that's overwhelming me, completely.

I got invited to play at the Korean Youth Music Performance on June 6th, and then I have the performance this 22nd and I might even be on TV, then I have a piano recital sometime around June, school orchestra concerts (but that's not as stressful compared to other events), and then I have a whole bunch of other crap to do, I can't think straight right now.

What hit me the most was the Korean Youth Music Performance. Now that annual performance is a BIG DEAL. Hundreds of people gather to see advanced, qualified, young artists perform.

For me, I honestly feel like I fall short from all the majority of performers who are upperclassmen. The performance day is on JUNE 6th and I have a recital that month too, and then I have 2 school concerts.

Then tomorrow I have a Korean Children's Choir Competition that I did NOT want to participate in (my korean school teacher made me) and now, I'm wasting HOURS of precious time on a saturday when I could be doing homework and practicing for the future performance dates.

People need to give me space sometimes. I'm getting aggravated. at first, I was flattered to be invited to perform on June 6th but now that I think of how much I have to do already and how much I have to practice even for just that one concert... it makes me sick to the stomach.

Call me a pessimist. but I've been holding this in for way too long.

I need to blow up. I'm fine if I lose sleep. I can manage. But still, let me live my life.

I work hard everyday already and it's hard enough to keep up with the fast pace everyone's pushing me to go at. I'm not a robot. I already have so much to do with music. I'm being pulled at different directions and being asked or requested to do this or that. I'd be happy to help, but if it's obvious it's not the right time to be asking, then don't ask.

I'm going to be selfish and straight forward right now. I'm doing me, and that's it. I don't care about you, what you say, about anyone else, or anything. I'm way too concerned on my own stress and frustration right now. I can't even calm down. My heart is beating like crazy, like I'm on stage about to perform in front of thousands of people.

I wish life was simple. I've got BIG events ahead, that I need to prepare. The expectations are high, and to keep up with those expectations, I've got to practice. And yes, I'll be one of the youngest at the performance on June 6th, so I'll have to be up to par with the other upperclassmen who are advanced, experienced musicians. Yeah, can I do that in 3 -4 ish weeks? I don't know let's see.

For now, I just want to build my confidence, focus on myself instead of getting nervous, and just calming DOWN.

My rant is not finished, but I cannot waste time getting everything off my chest because I have to go to bed soon for the darn choir competition tomorrow. Great. I don't even know why I feel so hot-headed and passionate to express myself right now. Shouldn't I actually be happy? Or should I be nervous and be practicing like a mad dog? Whatever.

My life is so different, but who knew everything could come flying at me all at once like this? After that competition, performances and invitations have been coming in, and it's only been a few days after!




chanel said...


Anonymous said...

人生的苦惱,不在擁有太少,而在奢望太多。 ....................................................

Anonymous said...

All roads lead to Rome. 堅持自己所選!..................................................