Monday, May 10, 2010

Too much to thank for. Too much on my mind, i cannot fall asleep.

I'm so grateful. This whole week has been working out so nicely. God listened to my family's humble prayers. I'm so thankful.

I get teary-eyed thinking about saturday. Rather than feeling superior, I feel immensely grateful and shocked. This competition was basically my last chance to prove whether or not I should continue to seriously enter piano competitions. My family decided that I should either focus mainly on one instrument (violin) if the other one (piano) didn't work out as well because I had more experience with violin. I was so fearful, stressed, and panicked because I knew the opportunities for piano would be jeopardized. Even though my parents had told me they would always support me for what I have full confidence and passion for, I knew they experienced my pain, feelings of discouragement with their own share of dissapointment they hid deep inside so that I wouldn't feel any less confident, from the results of the competitions. When I was nervous, my parents were more nervous, and praying harder and harder everyday. When my fingers were blistered, rough, and wet from sweat, when my back ached from sitting in the same position for hours, my parents ached even more. When I was frustrated, when I was exhausted and tired, they were right by my side. They wanted me to release all the negative emotions, but I feared I would only pass the trouble and stress to them, I kept it all inside acting like nothing was wrong. My parents - they were the ones suffering, not me. They were the ones in the background, doing all the work. All I had to do was my best - practice. I'm so thankful to have my dad and mom as my parents. I say it a million times and I sound like a spoiled, conceited kid, but this isn't for you to read. It's for me to express my love for the people who were willing to sacrifice everything they possessed just for their family.

I'm so thankful for this outcome. I never expected this much. I never knew I could play and touch the hearts of the judges. All I know was that the moment I went on stage, I prayed sitting on the piano chair before I played, I closed my eyes, allow my face muscles and body to move as it wanted. I played with my heart and soul, not giving a care about the world. I didn't give a care if I looked constipated, full of anger, sad, or unusually happy with my strange facial expressions. I was totally myself. I was honest. And because I didn't suffocate myself and released all my hidden emotions I kept inside for years and the hidden feelings I kept from my parents so they wouldn't feel any more troubled or stressed.... I told my life story through music. Through the notes, the melody, the rhythym..... I honestly expressed to the judges my pain, sadness, anger, failures, loss, happiness, triumph, and bliss. I told it all.

and it felt amazing.

That moment was the first time in my life, where I didn't care a single bit of what people thought of me. I couldn't see, hear, or notice anyone or anything around me. It was just me, God, and the music. We were all communicating. It was an incredible moment. I believe the most amazing, worth-while moments can be experienced only once, for people to treasure and cherish. And this.... was one of those valuale moments.

Have you ever felt that way? Living in a world, or at least in a moment with no distractions. Even when there are eyes watching you to fall, hinder, sharp eyes that are waiting to critique and judge.... you are able to completely ignore all the pressure and believe in yourself for that moment?

That moment was when I realized how deeply I could get into music to the point where nothing mattered in the world. Without having to force my mind to concentrate, without having to work myself to death..... I just flowed effortlessly with the passion in my heart. I guess that day, I experienced a defining moment.

That day, the door opened for me. The door to my heart. I was able to learn more about myself.

I'm way too excited and not in my state of my mind, my words are getting repetitve, over-used, and there are errors everywhere in this blog. and probably in the last blog before this one as well.

Music will always be a part of me. I'm forever grateful. For music, for my parents, for this blessing, and most importantly... God. And although I am filled with joy and yearn to share this happiness, I do not ever intend to boast or look down on others just for one single achievement I have made. Because everyone has their own set of talents, interests, hobbies, and because everyone is their own individual, I have no right to feel that I'm any better or superior than anyone.

All I can say right now is thank you.

and I can never say that enough.

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