Sunday, November 6, 2011

It's in times like this

where I really do question the meaning of life.

I've just been down in the dumps lately. I feel like I'm living fragments of a day, and as I look back on what I did each day, I don't feel happy about anything. Everything is just neutral.

I always say, after x, I will do y. After x, everything will get better. But really? Have things gone the way I wanted them to be? Have I really carried through with my words? I have become the person that I least wanted to be. A person that lacks self-discipline, a student that has become lazy and puts sleep over homework and study, and just overall, a person with a lack of motivation, drive, and passion.

I've realized these kinds of people always come with excuses for everything. They talk about how busy they are, when really, it was all the part of the past. What have I become? I remember the days where I had so much self-discipline on myself and had the greed and hunger to not only be the best, but do my best. Now, I'm nothing of that sort. I've just declined in high school.

So to make it up, I need to get my act together for my last year of high school. I need to make this year count, not just for my parents, teachers, and peers, but for myself. I need to prove to myself that I am still the hard working, self-disciplined person I used to be. I need to prove to myself that I'm not just another average, overcommitted high school student that makes their lack of time management and activities as excuses for not taking responsibility. That's not who I am, and that's not who I was meant to be.

It will take some time to gain my motivation back. But I've made a promise, and I should abide by it. Or at least, try to abide by it with a sincere heart.

Let's do this. Esther Yang, you are going to be someone. You never wanted to mix in with the crowd. Do your best.

-Note to self

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