It's in times like this

where I really do question the meaning of life.

I've just been down in the dumps lately. I feel like I'm living fragments of a day, and as I look back on what I did each day, I don't feel happy about anything. Everything is just neutral.

I always say, after x, I will do y. After x, everything will get better. But really? Have things gone the way I wanted them to be? Have I really carried through with my words? I have become the person that I least wanted to be. A person that lacks self-discipline, a student that has become lazy and puts sleep over homework and study, and just overall, a person with a lack of motivation, drive, and passion.

I've realized these kinds of people always come with excuses for everything. They talk about how busy they are, when really, it was all the part of the past. What have I become? I remember the days where I had so much self-discipline on myself and had the greed and hunger to not only be the best, but do my best. Now, I'm nothing of that sort. I've just declined in high school.

So to make it up, I need to get my act together for my last year of high school. I need to make this year count, not just for my parents, teachers, and peers, but for myself. I need to prove to myself that I am still the hard working, self-disciplined person I used to be. I need to prove to myself that I'm not just another average, overcommitted high school student that makes their lack of time management and activities as excuses for not taking responsibility. That's not who I am, and that's not who I was meant to be.

It will take some time to gain my motivation back. But I've made a promise, and I should abide by it. Or at least, try to abide by it with a sincere heart.

Let's do this. Esther Yang, you are going to be someone. You never wanted to mix in with the crowd. Do your best.

-Note to self

Can for one moment,

people just stop?

I feel like the people that I once held close to my heart, just decided to mistrust me in holding my values and views because they simply heard a few words from another person, or witnessed one of the rare times I actually let out my feelings and show my weaknesses and the worst of me.

Just because I am nice, doesn't mean I won't have feelings the next time you just pass by me and give me that cold stare. Just because I easily forgive and say "It's okay", doesn't give you the right to continue taking advantage of me. Just because I don't say anything about the times you've hurt or done wrong to me, doesn't mean I've forgotten about them and moved on in life if you haven't confessed or admitted your mistakes.

I remember everything. Every exact detail within every single moment I share with the people I grew up in high school. I think about them and reflect on them as well.

People get the idea that I'm always nice and polite, when really, that's just called being tolerant and willing to let go of things that aren't worth the trouble or stress.

The people that have hurt me or have done wrong to me in a ways that have made them feel even the slightest guilt, know what they have done. And more often than not, they may think they can get away with it because eventually, somewhere in my supposedly deep, deep, kind, and understanding heart, I've already forgiven them and simply understood.

I wish people would just get to know me more before all assumptions. Even the people I poured my heart out to, helped, reached out, respected, and trusted, have turned their backs against me. They may not think they have "turned their backs", but if they were good enough people to actually think about all the times they needed me there for them, to listen to them, or to simply have a nice conversation with and keep company with, they would not have made the same mistake to underestimate me as a human being with feelings.

To the people who no longer view me the same way, to the people who have biased judgements against, to the people who neglect and take/took advantage of me, to the people who simply stopped liking and talking to me for no reason when we used to be so much closer or at least honest with each other, to the people who overlooked the fact that I am first and foremost a human being that is sensitive yet strong enough to tolerate and bottle her emotions,

I hope one day you have the courage to be faithful and honest to the people you hurt and tell them upfront, rather than silencing your thoughts and feeding them with negative rumors and opinions. I hope you realize that the nice, unthought-out words you say should be nothing but from the honest heart. Not only is it the bad that remembered, but the good as well. If what you say years later still reflects who you are and the way you treat others, then people will treat you with more respect because they know that at one point, you were sincere with them. I hope you never forget that often times, the silent ones that are kind, patient, and willing to help the ones that suffer and are in need of help, are the ones that are hurting the most. I hope you keep in mind that everyone has a sense of what's behind that forced smile you gave while passing in the hallways, the forced jokes, or the supposedly unintentional rude remark you gave.

It's time for some people to step out of their own comfort zone and stop focusing on their own emotions, problems, and misery.

To Be Honest,

I'm sick of all this.

I'm sick of IB.

The truth is, people who are in core and RS will most likely go to the same college as the IB diploma kids. A lot of us weren't educated about the game and how college admissions work. UW is no longer a "back-up" school for a lot of us. It's actually going to be a challenge. NYU or Oxford can be a reach-high school, but in the end, just another rejection.

I know I shouldn't be saying this and generalizing this for all the IB diploma kids, but I'm just stating what normally happens every year at our school.

I'm just in an extremely cynical, stressful, angry, resentful, and overall, negative mood. This is a pre-letter of what I would write after this school year would be over:

The only thing I'm happy about this year is getting away from a place full of IB crap, the same people I lived, breathed, complained, and practically stayed up all night with, and the teachers who gave us an endless, unmerciful amount of work. As I leave, all I can say is, eff you guys. I only remember being happy a couple times this year, and the rest of the 180 days was a never ending cycle of work, work, work, and a robotic routine. Up until this year, I was fine with that and I was willing to devote my life to all work. But now that I think about, I've realized life isn't going to magically get better and neither will I be "living the life" after college. I'll still be working my whole life. In fact, I'll have to work even harder than now. I've got to enjoy the present and what I have now. I'm still a kid. Heck, I'm a human being.

Everyone was right. I stress out way too much and sometimes, I put it on myself. Here's the word of the day: chill.

I just need to learn how to chill. I have a MILLON things to do tonight and I have approximately 6 hours to do it all, but you know what? Eff it. I'll just do what's due tomorrow, calm down, and do things that are due the next day. Live for today, and for tomorrow, live for tomorrow.

I'm not letting a stupid program take away everything from me. IB, I'm finished with you in one year and after that, I'm done. I hate you, with everything I have in me.

This draft has been empty.

So I will fill it with thoughts of mine. a lot of amazing things have happened this school year and a lot of not-so amazing things have happened as well. But at least there's a balance. I've gotten to know a lot more about IB and have befriend many people. I've also lost connection with a lot of peers as well.

This school year was definitely an emotional roller coaster for me. That's all I can say.

I hope next year, (although things won't get any easier), it'll be a time for me to finally look back on all my years of hard work I put in ever since I was in elementary school up until now. I hope all my hard work pays off the way I imagined it to be when I was a kid. I really do think I deserve it, based on all the sacrifices I've made and amount of support my parents given for my future.
I'm happy for the new friends I have and the different kinds of people I have met. and to be honest, for some reason, I'm not that sad at all for those who have drifted apart from me. It's life. If they're meant to be, something will happen. If not, life goes on.

THE SAT, SAT SUBJECT TESTS, CALC AP EXAM, SL CALC IB EXAM, and UPCOMING MATH COMP. These upcoming dates are crucial. Along with Math club, LiNK chapter, NHS, church orchestra, and upcoming performances, I still find ways to be happy. And I'm happy I'm finally able to maintain that balance this year. Without my friends, I don't think I would have been able to. ................... but sometimes I wish I just started the piano at 3 or even 6. then I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't even be considering the ib diploma or thinking about academics. I would have been attending a music academy and my mentors would be music professors. It's too late to even dream about that now. I got to find another passion. I just hope it comes soon enough, because time is only passing faster and faster.

So so busy. So incredibly busy, I can't see what's infront of me.

-School work
-music
-church orch.
-community service + CAS hours
-math club
-school clubs
-scholarships and essays
-SAT practice
-and currently: FINALS - IOP the 25th tuesday.


I CAN DO IT!


"Forever is a long long time and time has a way of changing things." -Fox and the Hound

Love that movie.

Epiphany.

I used to search for ultimate happiness. I thought it was something I could attain and grasp eventually over time. However, that is not so. In actuality, happiness is the little bits and moments of life that you chose to be thankful and positive for, and smile for. When you look back in your life, you'll realize you already achieved happiness. Happiness is eternal and ongoing. It just doesn't take place in all the moments of your life.

Life is really what you make of it.

In times of struggling, you have to gain the strength to overcome your fears and discouragement with positivity and motivation.

In times of loneliness, emptiness, and unhappiness, you have to accept and realize that you will never have a definite answer of who you are, because it will always change within every moment of your life. I've learned that in life, your thoughts and views of your identity will not remain the same because you can't be God and be able to determine what kind of person you were during your entire existence. That's impossible. Our answers will always change because in actuality, life isn't so simple. We cannot determine who we are by the mere moments we have experienced from day one until now. We are forever changing and growing. However, you can be thankful and happy with the moments you experience, and give your best during those times.

Although one can never achieve happiness within every single second of their life, if they are willing to go through painful process of forgiving themselves and their peers, accepting their mistakes/faults, and facing their fears, they will be able to move on in life, and have the energy and willingness to once again be positive for the future.

I've also learned another thing. Perfection and good reputation are ironically the bane of everyone's existence. People shouldn't aim for perfection and recognition because eventually, they will lose themselves. If one is aiming for only perfection and the life they designed for themselves, they will only be living a dream - living in illusions and having too high of expectations.

People should learn to accept what has happened in their life regardless of how painful, awful, and horrifying it may be.

All in all, one will never be able to find who they are. They will never be able to wake up one day, and figure out their identity, and live with that same identity throughout the rest of their life.

In my dark days and weak days, I will from now on choose to be positive. I will from now on choose to be GRATEFUL and thankful. From now on, I will stop comparing myself to other peoples' sufferings, hiding my feelings, and lying to myself that I am okay. Instead, I will be honest with my feelings and how I feel, and from there, will accept and move on. I will stop telling myself that I am selfish becauseof the fact that I want to give myself a little time to cry every now and then when there are people in much worse situations, because I am here right now, with this problem waiting to be solved. I need the pieces to be mended. I need to organize my thoughts and emotions. In order to reach out to those who are in greater need, I need to get ahold of myself first. I will start being the best me I can, while being positive and grateful within every given moment, because when I reach my last days and reflect my past, I will then know that I was happy during those moments - therefore, already having pursued happiness.

confirmation to The question in my life.

Today, I feel a little more secure. I feel a little more lighter. I feel that reassurance and it seems to fill me whole.

I feel that bit of hope gleaming in my heart. It's finally bright.

I realized I haven't blogged for a while. I realized I been far, far away from the world. Actually, I've realizeed a lot of things over the past months this year.

But today, I've realized perhaps one of the most important things of my life. Nikki Molina helped me along the way.

It's too much to say in words. And I find that rather funny because I am a person that has quite a lot to say most of the time, but this time, I know there wouldn't be enough words in the dictionary to completely get everything off my chest.

This hope I feel from the knowing that I am not alone, that someone is there going through the same thing as me and understanding me, makes me feel at peace.

I finally have peace at mind.

I am so grateful to God and one of the messengers he sent down for me to meet. Thank you Nikki Molina, for your warmth.